Updated: Sep 16
I see a broken, anxious, lost, and confused world; it hits close to home often. Sometimes I don’t even know what else to do for some of the people I care about but pray and give it/them to God. I share this and other things based on my experiences, perceptions, and day to day interactions with people hoping it will help someone. Peace came when I started seeking the face of The Most High. Truly seeking His face. A broken person truly seeking Jesus. Getting out of the darkness and into His marvelous light. THAT is my Light I can’t hide under a basket.
Transparency and Testimony:
I’ve tried to share things with you guys over the years that have helped me in hopes it would help someone else. I am sure things haven't always been worded perfectly to suit everyone that may read it. I backpaddle on my own musings sometimes as I learn and grow in this walk and HIS wisdom. Jesus saved me from being broken, anxious, lost, and confused.
What’s been right for me, may not be right for you. I understand that. Everyone's walk will look different - but that's the beauty of it - each of us has something that help someone or be relatable to someone. Something you must understand, is if you’ve found Light, you don’t put it under a basket or keep it all to yourself. You put it on a lampstand to give Light to others.
I feel led to share some scattered thoughts and some things about myself that may help you understand why I talk about the things I talk about. Some of these will be in snippet form. Just rolling it off as it comes to me.
One day, I'll try to edit it to be more legible. Or even edit it here and there as I'm led.
There have been times in my life I felt depressed, anxious, or LOST with no purpose. It wasn't until later in life that I realized these were natural reactions to what my circumstances were at the time and even consequences to my own actions and decisions. I mean, who wouldn't feel that way going through some tough things?
In the past, I didn't lean on God to get me through those hard times. I had no prayer life, I wasn't reading His Word, I wasn't praising Him. I wasn't finding lasting joy and peace in anything this world could offer. Sometimes I regret not praying, reading, and praising sooner - but we can't live in the past, only the present and moving forward. There is not one of us that is too far gone. Not one.
I hear people say things like, "my depression", "my anxiety", "my sickness", etc. I hear people saying these things and wonder if many of them should be slapping themselves with that label and owning them like that. I know some people truly are suffering from debilitating issues, but I also believe there are many that could find what I'm saying relatable and fight for their spiritual well-being and not label themselves something the world tells them they are.
I am defined by The Most High. What that definition is will hopefully be very clear in this testimony. We have to remember as children of The Most High, we are blessed, chosen, loved, adopted, redeemed, forgiven, and an accepted saint in Christ and only through Christ. We are marked and sealed with the Holy Spirit. That is how God sees us and that is who we are!
2 Corinthians reminds me it's ok to FEEL.
Ok to feel, but not get stuck there. God made us with the ability to have various emotions, but with power, love, and a sound mind. I pray when I'm held to the fire...truly held to the fire in life, I will continue leaning on Him and seeking His wisdom. This only comes from having an active relationship with The Most High.
Hard-pressed, yet 𝐧𝐨𝐭 crushed; perplexed, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 in despair; persecuted, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 forsaken; struck down, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 destroyed. 𝐖𝐞 𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. 2 Corinthians 4
A little bit of background (a LITTLE bit because I am not led to be a complete open book right now. I have been asked to share my testimony in other ways by a few people, but for now, this is how I'm led to share it and how much.):
I had several “dads” until my Mom found the man I call Daddy. Daddy moved us out of a motel and into a home. He pulled us out of an abusive situation. We moved several times. That affected me a lot. I have dealt with molestation. I have had sexual encounters that were traumatizing.
I have filled my head with demonic, dark, and downright STUPID music. I am very passionate about the effects media has on our minds for personal reasons. I have made several blog posts about it.
I have been promiscuous. I should be dead according to some of my life choices. I had severe acne until my 30’s that affected me psychologically for a long time. I was insecure and wanting acceptance from people that didn’t matter in the long run. Many times, I have used substances that had no business being in my body.
I lied to my parents. A lot. Sometimes I didn’t even lie; I didn’t have to because they just didn’t know everything I did, and they still do not know. I “got away with it”.
There were so many times that if they only knew, maybe they could have helped me through it. Protected me. Stopped me. I don't believe we HAVE to go through certain things because it's "right of passage".
If you are that young person lying and manipulating your parents who love and care for you, my best advice is to stop. It's only by God's grace if you survive the consequences of doing that. Seek people that feed your soul and care where your eternal soul will spend eternity. I know that's not easy for a young person, but many do it. Jesus never once promised us that following Him is easy.
I wanted acceptance from other people for so long, yet I fought hard to be different. To be weird. To be "unique". It’s kind of hard to be accepted by others when you are pushing people away at the same time, right? What a hot mess.
I think back and realize being really weird and painting myself in black was a defense shield of sorts. So people wouldn’t get or stay close to me maybe? People were always so weird and fake to me. But really, I was fake for so long in my younger years. A person molded by stupid demonic music. That’s my opinion of some of the music I used to listen to. Just being honest. I just shake my head thinking on it. I probably missed out being friends with some awesome people because I was so judgmental during my own identity crisis.
I joined the Airforce because I was lost. It was not for me for many, many reasons.
I married young and without the guidance of God's wisdom and waiting for who HE wanted to be my partner. I was divorced after being married for a long time. Substance abuse ruins lives. That's all I'll say about that.
Having a rebellious spirit, being prideful, and being impatient and short-tempered are things that God has been working on me for a very long time. I pray I have the fruit to show His work in my life. The people that would see that the most would be those that have known me for a long time.
I don't tolerate liars, tomfoolery, or being manipulated very well. I am so much better at handling these situations than I used to be - but I still fail. Sometimes I still want to fight.
I try to remember to give grace to others because God has given and continues to give me much grace.
I could go on and on about all this "low energy" stuff. So let’s move on, yes?
I was saved in a church when I was young. I felt His presence and I repented of my sin; but didn’t have peace in my heart because my repentance had no action behind it. There was no heart transplant. I was young in the faith; so there's that. I spoke words to God when I first got saved. He heard me. I had to grow in my faith to find the peace of God. Be in relationship with Him. Shalom. True rest. I understand Philippians 1:6 so much more now. I am grateful for the time God has allowed me to grow in my faith. Not everyone has that time. This is why I share, because none of know when our last day on earth is.
I am confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6
Peace came when I started seeking the face of The Most High. Truly seeking His face. A broken person truly seeking Jesus. Getting out of the darkness and into His marvelous light. THAT is my Light I can’t hide under a basket. That is Who saved me from the pit. That is Who has held me in the palm of His hand since I confessed Him Lord over life when I was young.
He’s allowed me to be refined by the fire. I’m still alive. He’s given me a beautiful family. Now I am fighting the powers of darkness for my family. I don't want my girls to go through what I went through. Unless - it might just be part of God's plan for them to go through some things so they can have a testimony, like me. God's will be done. May He be glorified in and through all things.
I will never stop talking about the Living God as long as He keeps giving me breath to breathe. I will keep praising Him and giving Him glory.
I wasn’t saved by a movement. No cult. Not a Jesus movie. Not a revival. Those things may be the case for others, but it wasn’t my experience, and I can only speak on my own.
Seeking His face and taking every thought captive is where I’ve found His peace in a crazy world.
He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. God has not given me a spirit of fear, but one of power and of love and of a sound mind.
Psalm 40:2, 2 Timothy 1:7
I do not follow Jesus to keep from "going to hell". I follow Jesus Christ because of what He did for me on that cross on Calvary. Sure, a good hell fire message gets some people's attention initially - it got mine; but as I grow in my relationship with God, and realize what He did for me, there's no turning back. Who the Son sets free is free indeed!
I was an engineered fool "trying to find myself" well into my adulthood - through music, clothes, "being unique", who my friends were, how much truth I could uncover, through my job.... I could go on. I looked around and looked at myself and realized I still looked like most everyone else - LOST and searching endlessly. The things of this world will consistently disappoint you and have you grasping and reaching - never completely fulfilled. But when your true, deep joy does not come from things or people in this world, your joy can never be taken. That doesn't mean every day is easy and you are bouncing from cloud to cloud in bliss. You still FEEL things. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 reminds me it's OK to FEEL. I know I already said that earlier, but it's very important. 𝟐 𝐂𝐨𝐫 𝟒:𝟖-𝟗 We are afflicted in every way, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 crushed; perplexed, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 driven to despair; persecuted, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 forsaken; struck down, but 𝐧𝐨𝐭 destroyed.
I still am an engineered fool in so many ways; but I fight for my mind every day. It’s an ongoing battle. I fight for clean hands and a pure heart despite my flesh being impatient and cross sometimes. My physical walk still needs so much work. Thankfully, good works are not a condition of entering heaven and being in the presence of the Father. Good works are evidence of His Holy Spirit being inside of you!
None of us will ever be "good" before a perfect and righteous God. That is exactly why Christ shed His spotless blood for us on Calvary. My flesh will fail until the day it dies. This is why He and only He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The sinless and spotless lamb. His death, burial, and resurrection sealed my eternity. It may sound crazy, but even in death, there is victory.
Anything good in me came from Him, because my flesh is weak and wretched apart from Him. I had a friend get onto me for saying bad things about myself. So read what I said again. Apart from Him, I know who I am. It's not who I want to be.
Our minds are programmed from birth. I was once blind, but now I see. I did not find myself until I truly found Christ. I had to go through some things to be able to look back and see His hand throughout my whole life! Even when I didn't ask for it or even know it was there!
Being myself and loving myself is being and loving the person God created me to be. For His honor, His will, and for His glory. Not the person 'I' think I should be or who the world says I should be. Scripture links:
What does the bible say about being led by the Spirit? https://www.openbible.info/topics/being_led_by_the_spirit
What does the bible say about following your heart? https://www.openbible.info/topics/following_your_heart
What does the bible say about loving yourself? https://www.openbible.info/topics/loving_yourself
It wasn't when I said a prayer at 13 years old. That was the stepping stone. It's been an ongoing journey! I didn't truly find Christ until my 30's; I did this by seeking His face, His Word, and His peace that surpassed all understanding no matter what is going on around me. Note: I probably said that wrong, but I'm no "professional" or expert. I don't mean I wasn't saved at 13, didn't know Christ, or have the Holy Spirit inside of me. I am saying everyone's walk looks and is different.
I pray that my heart that's been hardened by this world will continue to soften so that I can have more love for others. After all, that is the greatest commandment - to love God and love others! By doing this, it's fulfilling the whole of the law! The enemy knows my temper can get the best of me....but the Lord is working on me! Hallelujah!
Being a critical thinker and being empathetic are two traits I've always had. Growing in Christ has shown me that this is a deeply rooted spiritual gift that God has given me. Discernment.
I use it to share what I learn and try my best to put myself in other people's shoes.
People will watch you waiting for you to fail. They can't wait to call you a hypocrite. 𝐅𝐚𝐢𝐥𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐲𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐲𝐩𝐨𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐲. Don't let anyone speak that over you. God is not finished with you yet. This is not to justify hypocrisy. This is to encourage us to keep going!
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. 1 Corinthians 9:24
Prayer point: Father, take the beams out of my own eyes so I can help others more effectively and not be a hypocrite.
I give Him all praise.
I praise God for His mercy. For the time He has given me. I praise God for giving me purpose. I sought the LORD, and He answered me!
The purpose of life is the glorification of God (Col. 3:17, Isaiah 43:7).
If you feel like you have no purpose, the One who knitted you in the womb has had a purpose for you since the spark of your life happened the moment you were conceived.
"Everyone who is called by My name, Whom I have created for My glory; I have formed him, yes, I have made him."
Our very existence glorifies the Most High! My existence, your existence - not by accident.
Once your identity is in Christ and your roots are planted deep, the world can't touch that. Even if they try to kill you. Death has no sting!
This enemy will try to break us down physically, financially, through our friends or family - he is cunning! It is written.
I'm not giving the enemy any more power than what is written. If you think by ignoring the fact that he is cunning will get you by, that's on you. Some things are our own poor decisions, but spiritual warfare is a very real thing for a child of God and the enemy is cunning. Period. You can't fight an enemy you won't even acknowledge or talk about - this enemy wants to confuse and kill us. Be wise as a serpent, harmless as a dove.
CHOSEN BY GOD!
How do you know that you are chosen by God?
Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ. That is how you know if you are chosen by God! There is simplicity to all of this. Man tends to complicate it with religion.
In my reading and studying, I see all the 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐤 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 God used. It was always so He'd get the glory. You have to read the scriptures for yourself and be very careful being led by people vs. the Spirit.
I am bound by zero religion as set forth by men. No labels nor titles identify my thoughts or mind. I am un-tethered to the systems of thought regulation that is modern churchianity.
God's Holy Spirit lives inside of me. I am the temple that the enemy seeks to take his seat in as the Scripture states.
"Do you not know that you are 𝗚𝗼𝗱’𝘀 𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 and that God’s Spirit dwells in you?"
"Let no one deceive you in any way. For that day will not come, unless the rebellion comes first, and the man of lawlessness is revealed, the son of destruction, who opposes and exalts himself against every so-called god or object of worship, so that he takes his seat 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗚𝗼𝗱, proclaiming himself to be God.
All this being said, y'all bear with me on this journey. Because I will still screw up and get things wrong. And this testimony can and will change; my life is in His hands. I tried to keep this short because I know if it’s too long no one will read it! Ha! The only ‘sheep’ I will ever be is His. Psalm 100:3 Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
If you are a child of God and things just don't seem right and you feel like you don't belong, it's because we are not of this world! It's not ours "to fix". But we do have to be wise as serpents and gentle as doves while we're here. "Lest Satan should get an advantage of us: for we are not ignorant of his devices." 2 Corinthians 2:11
That is just what I'm doing as the Lord leads. Helping others be wise as the serpent, gentle as a dove, and NOT ignorant of the enemy's devices.
Tools in the link below to have a relationship with Christ (not get religious!!) 📖🛡⚔ How to Become a Christian/Follower of Christ/Not religious! I'm not judging you. I'm judging myself. And I got my hands FULL.
So if I share something that steps on your toes, it stepped on mine first.
Have you been thinking all along that we have been defending ourselves to you? It is in the sight of God that we have been speaking in Christ, and all for your upbuilding, beloved.
I speak the truth in Christ; I am not lying, as confirmed by my conscience in the Holy Spirit.
For we are not like so many others, who peddle the word of God for profit. On the contrary, in Christ we speak before God with sincerity, as men sent from God.
I will add more "Testimony Bits" in the comments below. God bless you. I didn't want to make this too long.
Give thanks to the Lord; call upon his name; make known his deeds among the peoples!
1 Chronicles 16:8
When you experience the power and grace of God, you tell others.
Even if it isn't professionally written, said, or presented - or you don't think it's fancy or exciting enough. It's YOUR testimony!